Organising my thoughts this morning is a struggle!
I'm underway now as my handsome, hilarious 12 year old has finally finished crunching through his cereal (strictly with no milk) punctuating the crunches with sniffs and conversation about Facebook and I can finally hear myself think :)
Just before I post about the shitty day yesterday - I have been trying to figure out how to find my blog through a search engine. Been fiddling about with Google+ as I wonder if that needs to be activated (?!) but I don't feel ready to bare my soul to the world under my real name. I am fearful of letting people know how trivial some of the things are that cause me problems. I guess that's to do with pride - one of the 7 deadly sins :) But, somehow, its just too much for me to bare; I feel stupid enough without everyone knowing that silly little things are an issue for me. I worry that they might think I'm attention seeking, making it up or over-reacting as I seem quite normal to them most of the time. Or, I worry that they'll think I can just "get over it" (I wish) and then distance themselves from me thinking I'm a bit mad. Or talk about me. So, for now I'll post to here about the things that make me sweat and, in time, maybe I'll be bold enough to say THIS IS WHO I AM. I got a surprise as there are bloody hundreds of blogs already out there from people who are prepared to say this is who I am hahhaaa! I couldn't find mine though so I need to figure all this out really.
In the meantime, I had a shocking episode at work yesterday which left me on the verge of going to the doctor to ask to be signed off sick. (just FYI - not just this incident alone, I have been having all sorts of problems in that place) I feel better this morning and more able to face the world again but I won't be going in work today; I need a break. How bad is that?
Just as an aside, I have problems with people who are totally lacking in warmth, understanding or compassion for anyone. I struggle with the type of people who have no children (and call them "brats" and refer to mums being "taxis") but instead have cats that are treated in a way equivalent to people/children. Childless people who know exactly how they would parent and how they would run a home. People for who themselves and their work is the centre of the universe for them. The phrase know-it-all comes to mind for this type of person and they are selfish to the extreme, argumentative, bossy, opinionated and full of self importance. I find it difficult to be in the same room as them and unfortunately I work with 2 ladies like this at my workplace. We couldn't be more different and I don't have the skills to hide my feelings and to pretend to have anything in common to chat about to make life easy for everyone around.
So, life at work is very problematic for some reasons that are due to my Aspergers and for some reasons that are due to the obnoxious pairing I work with.
Anyway, onto the sad scene that unfolded yesterday that left me fairly emotionally(?) mentally (?) (not sure which) exhausted for a while.
Yesterday our supervisor came to ask us to add a task to a process. It was a verbal instruction and I have since found out it was for a relatively small tweak to a process involving letting her know if we added a new account to our business system.. However for me it was awful. I heard what she said and sort of understood what she meant but as she was telling me there were a thousand thoughts flying around my brain. Why had she told all three of us- the process only affected 2 of us, from this I then wondered if I had understood what she meant and had I got the proper process, how would we communicate the information to her that she had requested, which bits of my job did it affect, did I need to speak now to let her know I understood - my colleague had just confirmed how she was going to do it, could she clarify just exactly how we were to change the process, was this the only instruction we were getting, what would happen if we didn't change.....it was baffling for me.
Once she had gone (thinking that we had all understood) I sat at my desk wondering what had just happened. I knew vaguely that I had to let her know if anyone new was added to the system, but how did I do this? My colleague had said something about letting her have a copy of a form.....which form? And so, in typical me fashion, I sat desperately trying to recap/remember what she had said. My mind was blank and yet I knew the thoughts were there and that this was the simplest of things that I had been asked to do. I must have sat for 10 minutes trying to find the part of my brain that this information had gone to all the while feeling more and more alone in my incompetence. Why could I not sort this out? For god's sake I knew somewhere deep down that what I had been asked to do was easy, but what was it that I needed to change, if I could just hear her say it again. That moment had gone though and I had not got what she had told me. Interestingly, NO PART of my body or brain told me to go and ask her again or to ask the others. Was this a conscious decision? Was this fear? Wanting to appear normal? Was it pride? I cannot say what it was that made it so difficult for me to ask to have it explained again - I guess I was embarrassed to say that I couldn't follow. I also think I did not want to appear to be awkward - she would surely think I was taking the piss as I can organise conferences, produce reports, do statistical analysis....how the hell could I not follow a simple instruction.
I mulled all of this over during that 10 minutes and in the end I had to email her to say that I hadn't understood and would she mind emailing the instruction to me so that I could read it again and try to work out what it meant for me.
The email sounds as though I came up with a rational solution to my problem but it BROKE my heart having to send it. I sat at my desk and I could feel tears (of pain of some sort) welling up. I had to take myself off to the window to try and compose myself - how could this small instruction be so beyond me....I felt crazy as I knew I had heard her and the words had definitely gone into my head and only an idiot would struggle with something so minor. I tried so hard to think what it was that she had just asked me to do, but, all I could think of was a blur of greyness with some vague link to a new account. OMG...where was the process, what was the step by step logic to deliver what she had asked me, why was everyone else just chatting and sorted and able to understand. Did I have Alzheimer's??? Confusion reigned for me and I just wanted to scream.
Then, rational me was back convincing myself not to be embarrassed and to try to get a grip over things like I always ultimately do. It took some time but I got back on track, managed to sort out the bit which was Aspergers and squash it back down, regained my composure and went back to my work.
Sounds like nowt doesn't it? When its written down is sounds like nothing - a fuss about nothing.
The problem is - 40 odd years of confusion is tiring and things take so much effort to work out/figure out. I guess I'm just getting older and maybe have less energy to call on these days and so the effort of understanding gets more demanding.
My wonderful husband (his name's Lee and I feel so lucky to have him) found time yesterday to talk with me about what had happened and let me really explain fully the feelings that were provoked during the episode and, I felt calmed and understood for the first time in a long, long time. I am gratelful to him for trying to see for the first time how difficult thngs can be when an overactive brain gets to work while at the same time that same brain is failing to work!
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